Sometimes as excited as I get about celebrating my day, there's a deep rooted sadness that I feel around the 19th of April as well. As I get older each year the sadness becomes more prominent. This could be the fact that as a child you never imagine yourself past 20.
This year was the marking of truly feeling like an adult, yet still not quite. Do we ever feel our age? I seem to have age identity crisis a lot.
This I've done this year:
I planned a wedding and got married!
As much as I love being married and I adore my husband, who makes me the happiest woman on Earth, I never actually imagined being married before meeting him.
So as I look back at 2012, getting married was a huge milestone in my life and it happened last year! Just sitting back and reflecting on the whole process of being engaged. Planning the wedding. Getting married. It's all very overwhelming. No matter how much I knew my husband or how much I loved him before the wedding, something happens when the vows are said, the ceremony is over and that little wedding band is on both of our fingers. I can't explain it, but a shift happens. Expectations change, not bad, not good, things just change. It's you and him forever now. You have a partner for life. You are responsible for another's well being and hapienss. It's a huge adjustment mentally.
Youtube Beauty Guru
I've also become an active youtuber posting multiple videos a week on beauty, product reviews, makeup tutorials, and shopping hauls. I never would have thought of myself as a youtuber. If you asked me a few months ago even, I would laugh and be embarrassed of my endeavor to advise through youtube. Making videos has become an outlet for me. Videos fill my creative needs and also makes me feel productive and helpful to others. It's become my main source of daily expression and creativity. I get complete creative control talking about things I'm passionate about.
Yoga?
I became a Yogi in the last year as well. In college I hated yoga, I didn't see the point, now I need it. The breathing, the stretching, the community, it all calms me and centers my mind. The physical benefits are great too!
Independence
I've learned to be alone. Being alone use to lead to depression and feeling like a looser for me. Now I cherish the moments of solitude. To do my own thing and not be disrupted or worried about someone else. While I love my friends and always need them in my life, I have learned that as we age and grow up and build our own families, the time we do get to spend together is precious and rare. Just because I don't hear from them every day doesn't mean that they would be there for me if I needed them. This goes for them too. I don't feel the need to have to call them everyday, we are all busy and trying to live life. In fact my best friends are the ones I see the least.
Move On
This is something I'll always struggle with, but looking back at the last year, I've really improved this trait. It use to take me years to move on from the smallest slights or fights. Now mostly I figure it's not personal, but something the other person is going through. How often do I start a fight or get upset at someone because of my own insecurities or issues? Almost always. So 90% of the time if someone has beef with you, it's really not personal.
Growing up has made me a better partner and friend to those in my life. Do I still get a little sad around my birthday? Yes. I think it's the panic that I haven't done enough with my life or that I am not where I thought I would be, but honestly? Who is exactly where they thought they would be? Life is unexpected and beautiful. The control freak side of me needs to just shut up and enjoy the ride because looking back at the last year, It's been a pretty great one :-)
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