Another Birthday, Thank You!

As another birthday quickly approaches, I suddenly started thinking a lot about where I’ve been and where I’m going to go. When I originally started this blog at the tail end of 2011, I had just started to put my life back in order. While many people in my life still don’t know this, I was incredibly unhappy and depressed. I didn’t like who I was. Nothing was working, I was completely loss. In the beginning I blamed everyone else and the universe. Then after reading a blog post that originally I subscribed, to support a friend, I started thinking about how to get better and make things better. Her blogs were always so positive and interesting, but this one post really made me want to change things. It made me think I wasn’t alone in feeling this way.

Now I haven’t even seen this girl in years, but her voice spoke to me. I can never be thankful enough to her. With the combination of her blogs and some professional help, I started to take small steps to change things. For a while I completely disconnected from everyone. I had to be alone to figure things out. Only recently have I started to slowly reach out to past relationships to find new ways to build them back up with the new me. I realize that I may have lost some because I wasn’t able to be open to them while I was figuring out how to heal and that hurts, but it’s something that I have to deal with and figure out how to prevent in the future. I have changed and many won’t like the new me. I have to except this. A part of me feels a betrayal by people who didn’t notice how unhappy and depressed I was, while they continued to live these happy fulfilling lives. Now I know this is all perception and how could they even know what was going on with me when I started to pull away? I’m not saying this is logical, but it’s how I felt and sometimes still feel. So as I start to navigate my new and old relationships, I’m a little more cautious and awkward (if that can be possible).

A few key things that I learned for myself is that this will always be an ongoing process, to find happiness and keep it. It helps that I’m learning to cherish the little things and celebrate achievements that may seem small to others, but are big for me.  For example this past Sunday I ran 6mi at 1hour and 8 minutes. This is really big for me. I’m not a runner. I hate running. I want to usually give up before I even hit the .5-mile marker, but I’m training for a 10K in support of PCRF, so I need to run, for the kids who can’t. I may not be the fastest runner, but I can do this.

Stay busy. Now I’m not saying to be so busy that I don’t have time to think or process what’s been going on in my life, but to do something. I became complacent and lethargic. I was wasting time in front of the TV. While I love my shows, I wasn’t even watching TV, just sitting in front of it and sleeping A LOT. My sweats were my best friends. Now, I plan my days including meals, and workouts, which I have learned I have to have to stay mentally healthy. I try to keep a normal sleep schedule by getting up before 8am and going to bed no later than midnight. Sleep is important and having a regular schedule is even more important for me.

Feeling a sense of achievement too is important, that is why I started the blog originally, to have a place to express myself in a positive manner, to have something to do at least once a week. So I want to thank everyone that is reading this right now. You have helped me heal. You have kept me positive. You are doing more than you think, just by opening a link or e-mail.

Being honest with myself. This one is hard because it can be hard to look in the mirror. I promised this year that I wouldn’t compromise myself for anyone or anything. I won’t do things because I feel obligated and guilty for not wanting to participate. This one is VERY hard for me, but oh so important. I have always done things to make others happy, to make others comfortable, and to make sure everyone gets what they want. This is very dangerous because I start to compromise my wants and needs for others and my life becomes about pleasing everyone around me and making sure they get what they want. It’s time for me to learn to say no, when I am overwhelmed or simply because I don’t want to.

My best friend reminded me today that I don’t owe anyone any explanations. Somehow I always feel like I have to sugar coat things, which end up confusing people. It is my right to say no and that’s it. I can’t control how people feel, so all I can do is be honest and leave it at that. Everyone is better off.

I still have my moments where I feel like I’m slipping back into my old self, but I’m starting to see the signs, one being my choice in wardrobe. How I feel is usually how I dress. So while I may not notice my mood or understand my feelings right away, I can see it in my choice of clothing. Noticing the signs are important for me. It helps me to take action before a bad day turns into a bad week or even months.

Now I have so many things to be grateful for and am so excited for the possibilities and where I’m going. I’m getting married this year to a wonderful man who has always believed in me even when I stopped. I am starting my own business, so that I can work for myself doing something that I believe in and feel good about on my schedule. So as my birthday quickly approaches and I spend it quietly with my fiancé, I am incredibly grateful and happy for everything I've learned and gone through. I do believe everything happens for a reason and that there are lessons to be learned. Though all this I rediscovered my passion for fashion and decided to take control of my work situation by working for myself. None of the good would have happened without the bad.