Another Birthday Come and Gone

So as I reach another birthday I reflect on the last year of my life. It's been a little less than a month since my personal holiday.

Sometimes as excited as I get about celebrating my day, there's a deep rooted sadness that I feel around the 19th of April as well. As I get older each year the sadness becomes more prominent. This could be the fact that as a child you never imagine yourself past 20.

This year was the marking of truly feeling like an adult, yet still not quite. Do we ever feel our age? I seem to have age identity crisis a lot.

This I've done this year:

I planned a wedding and got married!
As much as I love being married and I adore my husband, who makes me the happiest woman on Earth, I never actually imagined being married before meeting him.

So as I look back at 2012, getting married was a huge milestone in my life and it happened last year! Just sitting back and reflecting on the whole process of being engaged. Planning the wedding. Getting married. It's all very overwhelming. No matter how much I knew my husband or how much I loved him before the wedding, something happens when the vows are said, the ceremony is over and that little wedding band is on both of our fingers. I can't explain it, but a shift happens. Expectations change, not bad, not good, things just change. It's you and him forever now. You have a partner for life. You are responsible for another's well being and hapienss. It's a huge adjustment mentally.

Youtube Beauty Guru
I've also become an active youtuber posting multiple videos a week on beauty, product reviews, makeup tutorials, and shopping hauls. I never would have thought of myself as a youtuber. If you asked me a few months ago even, I would laugh and be embarrassed of my endeavor to advise through youtube. Making videos has become an outlet for me. Videos fill my creative needs and also makes me feel productive and helpful to others. It's become my main source of daily expression and creativity. I get complete creative control talking about things I'm passionate about.

Yoga?
I became a Yogi in the last year as well. In college I hated yoga, I didn't see the point, now I need it. The breathing, the stretching, the community, it all calms me and centers my mind. The physical benefits are great too!

Independence
I've learned to be alone. Being alone use to lead to depression and feeling like a looser for me. Now I cherish the moments of solitude. To do my own thing and not be disrupted or worried about someone else. While I love my friends and always need them in my life, I have learned that as we age and grow up and build our own families, the time we do get to spend together is precious and rare. Just because I don't hear from them every day doesn't mean that they would be there for me if I needed them. This goes for them too. I don't feel the need to have to call them everyday, we are all busy and trying to live life. In fact my best friends are the ones I see the least.

Move On
This is something I'll always struggle with, but looking back at the last year, I've really improved this trait. It use to take me years to move on from the smallest slights or fights. Now mostly I figure it's not personal, but something the other person is going through. How often do I start a fight or get upset at someone because of my own insecurities or issues? Almost always. So 90% of the time if someone has beef with you, it's really not personal.

Growing up has made me a better partner and friend to those in my life. Do I still get a little sad around my birthday? Yes. I think it's the panic that I haven't done enough with my life or that I am not where I thought I would be, but honestly? Who is exactly where they thought they would be? Life is unexpected and beautiful. The control freak side of me needs to just shut up and enjoy the ride because looking back at the last year, It's been a pretty great one :-)

Sometimes Your Just Surrounded by Assholes

There’s only 41 days left before I am a Mrs. I am checking things off my list of things to do and trying to stay focused on living a healthy, full, and productive life. Sometimes when I stop and look around I get a little panicky. I try not to have too much free time these days because it can cause anxiety and some depression on my part. Then last night, during my yoga class my teacher said, “Before we self diagnose that we are depressed or insecure, look around, maybe you’re just surrounded by assholes.”

Now I don’t think you should blame your problems on others or not take responsibility for your actions, but there’s truth to her statement. Sometimes no matter how hard I work and what I do, I feel yucky at the end of the day or something just makes me feel bad. I try to stay positive and I try to fix the situation instead of dwelling on it. But today, for example, when I was leaving the bank, I put my car in reverse and started to back up when this woman pulled up behind me. I stopped, but she proceeded to honk at me, not just one honk, multiple honks. I got really angry. I actually almost did an inappropriate hand gesture. I was already backing up and she was the one speeding behind me, wanting the spot next to me.

I started to feel guilty because I really shouldn’t be that upset, but I think this is a case where I was surrounded by an asshole.

What really frustrates me is when people don’t take responsibility for their actions. Now if I had kept backing up and had not made eye contact with the woman or didn’t see her, which I admit has happened in the past, then I take responsibility, please do honk at me to prevent an accident.

It’s the same thing when I’m at a light trying to make a right turn and the car behind me honks. Really?! Usually if I’m not going it’s because there is a pedestrian crossing the street. The car behind me can’t see, but they are so impatient that they have to rudely honk.  Some times, I get spiteful and will wait even longer just to irritate the guy behind me, but then that makes me the asshole.

Be responsible for your actions. Do everything you can to live a good, healthy, and productive life. Everything is going well in my life. I’m happier then I’ve been in years, I feel like I have a purpose, though at times I’m stressed out of my mind. Everything I can control is under control, but I still occasionally get that icky feeling. I’m just now realizing that that icky feeling isn’t always something I did or didn’t do, it’s from the assholes around me.

What a Good Manicure Taught Me

It’s amazing what a good manicure can do for you. I like to go to this little place in Studio City called La Flora Nails. The place is small with no bells or whistles, but they give the best manicures I’ve ever had. Usually when I leave a place, I have cuts or some hang nails because of the aggression that the nail technician took out on my cuticles, even when I tell them that my skin is really delicate and cuts easily.

Lillian however, is my savior when it comes to my nails. She is an artist. My paint job is never better. The time and care she takes for everything is amazing. She sculpts my cuticles with such delicateness I barely even feel it. She exfoliate my dead skin and chisel it away.  She then paints them like she is filling a blank canvas with her own art. I leave with beautiful hands and feet for a reasonable price. Lillian’s work gives me a little piece of beauty to take home with me.

Manicures are great because when I see them first thing in the morning, I feel pretty. If I’m in “down dog” position at yoga I can smile a little as I struggle through different poses. Training for my race in May, I feel like a sweaty, blubbering mess trying to keep pace for one more mile. But then I see my nails and it just makes things a little better. So why don’t I get them done more often?

Usually I make excuses. “Well I can do them myself”,… which never has the same effect and looks like a finger-paint job gone wrong.  “I don’t have time”…which is crap because everyone can carve out an hour out of their month to take care of themselves a little. “It’s too expensive”… yet the $5 per day Starbucks could easily be nixed, since it’s over priced calories added to my diet that doesn’t nearly make me feel as good or lasts as long as a manicure.

So why don’t we take the time to make ourselves feel good? Is it that we don’t think that we deserve it? Why do I wait till there’s a special occasion to visit Lillian? I take my dog to the groomers more than I take myself to get a manicure. I know I can afford a manicure 2 times a month. I can find the time for it. With as much joy as it brings me, I should make it a priority and I am now.

What are the small pleasures that make you feel beautiful? When was the last time you allowed yourself to have it? Why can’t it be part of our routine? We take care of our cars and everyone around us; make sure you take the time to take care of yourself. 

Dress the Part for Your New Year's Goal

            Happy New Year! I hate New Years Resolutions, but I do have goals. Reflecting on the last year and setting new goals and not making the same mistakes or having to learn the same lessons twice are always something I strive for. This year I have very specific fitness and health goals. I know now that my physical shape has a lot to do with my mental shape, maybe it’s the 15 years of dance training and always being active that has something to do with it, but If I don’t stay interested and active in my physical being my mind starts to deteriorate. So I started yoga classes. Something new to keep me interested in staying in shape, plus I met a new friend on set who raves about the benefits of yoga practice, so I printed out a coupon for a free week at Core Power Yoga and I’m going full force into it. Many people set new goals for the New Year and most of it is about fitness. New fitness goals can be daunting and scary especially when you’re surrounded with “fit” people.

Notice that all the beautifully fit people in your fitness class or at the gym or running at the park always tend to look fit and beautiful and like they know what they're doing, almost like their a pro? It’s because they know that part of the healthy mindset of looking and feeling fit is to dress the part. You could be a better runner or yogi, but they look like a runner or a yogi. It’s because clothes do matter. I’m a big believer in dressing the part and feeling the part outside in. Sometimes when I want to try something new or know I’ll probably be out of my comfort zone, I try to dress the part first. Think about Barbie, she’s got an outfit for every job, every occasion. There’s something to it. There’s a reason people wear certain clothes for certain sports, it’s functional, but lets take it one step further. How do you feel about it? Are you wearing baggy sweats and a baggie T-shirt? Are you hiding at the gym or in the back of the class? Are you proud to be seen in your wardrobe? Would you meet someone up in your outfit for a coffee or snack? You should. Dressing your best includes your workout clothes. You deserve to be there and be seen.

      Dress to sweat, but dress to impress yourself too. Make yourself feel like a pro ready for your new fitness goals. You’ll want to work out more if you want to be seen in your cute yoga pants or new running top. Yoga for example is usually done in a class full of mirrors. You want to dress so you can see your form and correct yourself. Also if you’re in a room full of mirrors why not put something on that you enjoying looking at yourself in. I love tops from lulu lemon, they are cute, stylish, high quality, and super comfy. They even have different support levels for all activities. Their running shorts are great for the summer. They have little compartments for keys and are lined with underwear so you can run for miles without a wedgey.

Yes, set goals for yourself this year, but don’t forget to dress the part too. First impressions do matter and you should always dress to impress yourself. Try it. Let me know how it goes. You might actually have fun and like what you see.